Waiting for a baby...my multiple miscarriage story

I posted my multiple miscarriages story here. But I wanted to expand on the story, give more details, and share how I believe God has worked in my life to give me four precious miracles.

After my third miscarriage I felt hopeless. Because I'd been told by a few OB practitioners that having three miscarriages in a row happened less than 1% of the time, I figured we were done trying to have biological children. I didn't know if I could emotionally handle another loss; and I didn't think I wanted to find out. Patrick and I had only been married a short time, and we weren't emotionally ready to head down the adoption path either. I felt empty, sad, hopeless, trapped. I was already in my 30's and we had wanted a large family. Now I just wanted ONE child.

A friend of mine at work approached me one day and shared her story of infertility and miscarriage. She encouraged me to not give up. She also encouraged me to go to www.babycenter.com and look for online support for those who were going through the same thing I was. I was emotionally exhausted and didn't have the energy to pursue this. She didn't back down. Every time we worked together (we were both RN's on a stepdown unit) she asked if I'd gone to babycenter. I finally consented. It was one of the best decisions I ever made. Thank you, Tanya. I am forever grateful for you!

Dr. David Walmer, Chief of RI at Duke

I found an amazing group of women here. Babycenter.com. I will forever be indebted to this website and the friends I found there. I couldn't believe how many other people had experienced the exact same thing as me. The women immediately put me on information overload. They encouraged me that I had only just begun and was no where near "the end" of my baby journey. They picked me up and helped open my eyes to see the glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel. First thing first, dump my well-meaning, but uneducated OB, and go to a Reproductive Endocrinologist. They also equipped me with a very long list of tests to discuss with the RE. Since I now had a horrible diagnosis on my file (I can't bare to write the words, sorry), insurance coverage was not an issue. Apparently they were getting tired of paying for my D&C's.  After being cleared by a genetic counselor, we headed to Duke and met an amazing man, Dr. David Walmer, who just happens to specialize in "recurrent pregnancy loss."  I didn't realize at the time that I'd found an angel.

For anyone that is desperate for a child, the OB office is a torture chamber. Pregnant bellies, pregnancy magazines, TV screens blaring all things belly & baby. Rude, I couldn't-care-less-for-you attitudes, long wait times, and never a call back. I hated going. HATED it. But not so at the Infertility Clinic. No preggos there. No magazines. No TV's. Just super nice, super understanding people. I got in and out in a reasonable amount of time. I wasn't rushed. I was treated with compassion. And my phone calls were actually returned...quickly. No waiting days for test results; you get them the minute they have them. Dr. Walmer didn't seem fazed by my tears. He was encouraging, yet didn't mince words. We talked facts, we talked possibilities, we talked miracles. He said, "I've never seen a woman who wanted a baby walk away childless. Whether you are blessed with an adoptive or biological child, I can help you get one." [for the record, he has both].

I gave him my list of tests that I'd learned about on babycenter. He thought the list was exhaustive and wondered where I'd done my research :-) He consented to all of them. 19 vials of blood and a list of other invasive tests. And so we begun.  Unfortunately, the process was not short. By the time I'd actually been cleared by the geneticist, it has already been months. Weeks used to be a long time to wait. Months had become over a year and I was scared because I wasn't getting any younger. Dr. Walmer insisted I was 'really young' in comparison. Another reason to love this man!

I had had a few tests done through my OB, but he wasn't really happy with the images of my uterus and we moved up to better tests. The sonohysterogram (an u/s of the inside of the uterus) and hysterocopy (a procedure to look at the inside of the uterus with a camera) showed I had a uterine septum. I was born with an extra growth of tissue in my uterus. While its possible to carry a pregnancy to term with this condition, having it also increases the chance of miscarriage. For whatever reason, the fertilized egg chooses more often than not to implant on the tissue and at around 12 weeks gestation, the baby can no longer receive adequate blood supply and dies.

Several more weeks of waiting and I had a short surgery to remove the extra tissue. More weeks of waiting to heal. Then with a prescription in hand for a few meds, we were given the green light to try to conceive again.  And then the waiting to get pregnant began again. Four months passed and no positive test. UGH. All of this and now I can't get pregnant?! Four months may seem short, but every 28 days of waiting is agony to someone trying to get pregnant. I went back to Dr. Walmer in tears again. He encouraged me to be patient as he was very confident in all we'd done.

Turns out he was right. The next month the little line appeared and I almost immediately began feeling sick. The ultrasound at 8 weeks showed a little heartbeat. We cried and hugged and then he "released" me. Truly a bittersweet moment. Not wanting to leave the place that I never wanted to go.

fast forward 40 weeks & 3 days....and then "the" day arrived. After 25 excruciating hours of labor with a few complications, my miracle took her first breath just after midnight on December 9, 2006. 

I don't pretend to be naive. I have a very happy ending to this story. I know this isn't true for all women and that the path of infertility and miscarriage doesn't always end the way we want it to. But my prayer is that my story gives a little hope to those still in the waiting....to know that sometimes there IS a happy ending....and that God doesn't withhold miracles to a set number. Since Allison, I have not had any more miscarriages, and we have gone on to have 3 more healthy baby girls (even a set of twins-ah)!

And while the daily grind is long and difficult a lot of the time with these little ones, I often hold them just a tad longer and breathe in that special scent they seem to have. It smells like miracles smell. If you've ever held one, you'll never forget it.