Why I love....bold honesty {my eating disorder recovery}

I'm a pretty bold, honest person. I say it how it is. Those of you who have know me for only the past 10 years or so wouldn't believe that I haven't always been like this. The lying started in high school...at first, it was just my feelings & emotions. In college I progressed to hiding some pretty horrible behaviors. In the early post-college years I flat out lied about close to everything. The hiding and lying threatened my job and almost took my life.

I hated myself. I hated my body, my personality, everything. And I didn't know why. I had no idea why I was so depressed, confused and angry. I had had a wonderful childhood and came from a great family. There was no abuse, no rebellion, no tragic deaths or horrible secrets. So the guilt set in. Shoot, I don't even have a good reason to feel this way. Depression turned to guilt turned to shame. It all became too much and the feelings needed an outlet. Thus, the birth of my 7-year-long struggle with an eating disorder. [At the time I did not know any of this. I thought I was fat and this was a way to diet.]  The e.d. was something to focus on--a distraction?--to keep my mind away from dealing with my confusing feelings that I *shouldn't* have. It became my friend and my entire way of life. And to tell you the truth, I liked it.

I did a bit of research before writing this post. I was shocked to learn that only 2.5% of women in the US struggle with an eating disorder. I guess my view is skewed because I've met so many women who have traveled this horrendous path. Eating disorders are a form of addiction. But unlike a lot of addictions, you get a positive reaction at first. "Wow, you look good!" "What kind of diet are you on, it must be working." "You seem so focused and in control." This only fueled me to go deeper & justify that somehow this was a good thing for me. It is also unlike other addictions because you can't quit cold turkey. You can't get away from food. You have to form a positive relationship with your drug of choice.

My eating disorder waxed and waned for years. I fooled myself into thinking that I could control it and use it when needed. This was my 'thing' and I wanted to be really good at it. I would prove to others that I could handle it. Lies. All lies.  Physical and emotional consequences began to build up. My family & friends were being affected. My job was in jeopardy. I was so incredibly tired of lying. I finally consented to get help to stop the vicious cycle that had become comfortable, yet miserable at the same time. Sound confusing? It was. I found a good therapist and tried several outpatient options. But I was just too deep. Nothing worked. My addiction overtook me and I was unable to function normally. I was confronted with the possibility that I may not live.

God moved some mountains (many miracles lined up) and I ended up at a place called Remuda Ranch, a Christian treatment center for women just like me. When I arrived I was overcome with peace & anxiety (yes, still confused). I was thrilled that God had brought me to a place to heal, yet terrified to give up my best friend and only coping mechanism. And then there was the fear that I'd find out why I'd developed the e.d. to begin with.

I walked this path many, many times. It is even more beautiful than it looks.

Equine Therapy was a big part of my healing process.

God breathed life into me during my 6 week stay in treatment. I will never be able to thank my parents enough for sending me there. Through the people at Remuda, God saved my life...literally. I  learned that it didn't matter why I had the e.d. but that I needed to learn how to get rid of it and move "to the other side" as I called it [and no, there was never a clear reason why I walked down this destructive path].
Rule #1 Stop lying.
Rule #2 Let God be in control.
Rule #3 Don't give up.

While I began my recovery process at Remuda, it took years to fully recover. The research says that only 25-40% of women with eating disorders fully recover. That's not even half. But I wonder how many of the other 75% invited God to run their recovery. I let Him run mine and the results have been amazing. Through an incredible team of people, I was able to slowly move to the other side. I'm so glad I held on and let go (not really confusing anymore).

Now, years later, I am still living on the other side. I'm FULLY recovered. F-U-L-L-Y. That means I don't think about my eating disorder. Ever. I don't struggle. I don't reminisce. I don't ponder. But I don't forget either. October 17th never passes without me getting on my knees in thanksgiving for a second chance at life. And while I have some lifelong health issues as consequences for years of bodily punishment, its more of a positive reminder of how I was saved, than a negative reminder of what I did to myself.

This is the first time I have written my e.d. story in full. I'm being bold. I'm being honest. Look where lying got me. And I smile because the Lord not only saved me from my e.d., but blessed me in abundance. I deserve none of it & am awed that He would chose to forgive me, heal me, restore me. And He can restore you! If I can be pulled from the miry pit of an e.d., you can be pulled from your pit...no matter how deep it may seem. There is HOPE! I am living proof!

~Blessed is the man who remains steadfast under trial, for when he has stood the test he will receive the crown of life, which God has promised to those who love him. James 1:2